So, I have something to tell you...

January 25, 2020

I have something to tell you all. It may surprise some of you. It might be different from what you expected, or even what you think I’ve said or implied (or sometimes did say).

But, the truth is… that I actually watch a lot of movies.

I know that, if you know me in real life, whenever it comes up in conversation, the trope is that Tom has not seen any movies. And I didn’t lie about any of the particulars. I still haven’t seen any of the Star Trek Wars or whatever that movie is that you watched a lot when you were young - that one in which dinosaurs go back through time in an old car and start a theme park? Or was it the one where a bunch of kids follow a treasure map along some railroad tracks and see a clown? I’m not sure. I actually haven’t seen a lot of those old movies. And it’s also true that I haven’t seen most of big blockbuster ones where all the white Chris’s fight each other in spandex.

But I do actually watch a lot of movies. Since I’m a bit nerdy, and forgetful, I even keep a list of all the movies I’ve watched, and of ones that I’m interested in watching. It’s become quite a long list. A long list that started to haunt me every time the topic of movies would come up and I’d nod along to the notion that Tom just doesn’t really watch movies.

And I know some of you are thinking ‘but you could have just told me you like movies!’ In a way, yeah, totally. But it was also quite confusing. Like, if I clearly knew that I really and specifically liked bleak Scandinavian drama movies, I would have just said that. But it’s harder to vocalize when the answer is hard to specify. Like, I knew I didn’t have the standard movie tastes. But it wasn’t always clear how to talk about whatever variant of movies I did like. So often I avoided the question. For quite a while, I avoided the question even in my own thoughts. (Okay, so I might have slipped out of the movie metaphor a bit early here).

The other reason I didn’t necessarily talk about all the movies I did watch is that it turns out that sometimes hiding one part of yourself starts chipping away at a lot of other parts. Because when people start talking about movies, to answer the question of something that I have watched recently or a movie I particularly enjoyed often had a pretty queer answer. And that felt like a potential landmine of a conversation. So it was easier to pretend. After a while, it can feel like a lot of pretending.

So, now I would like to stop pretending so much. I presume that if you are reading this you likely already know that this post being about movies is itself a bit of pretense (old habits die hard, I guess). If you missed it, the punchline is that I am queer. Surprise!

If you’re curious, I’m using the label ‘queer’ as one that fit the idea of “okay, so I guess I’m definitely not straight”, without necessarily specifying it exactly. I can see something in the labels of pansexual or bisexual. And it’s not that I’m trying to set myself apart from the word gay - which is, to be honest, a word that I am still getting more comfortable with. I think I like best the idea that sexuality is something of a spectrum - and I live somewhere away from the typical location. I know that’s not a particularly clear answer. Believe me, I’m probably more annoyed about that than you are. I’m still learning - about myself, and about everything else.

So that’s that, I guess. Maybe this seems like it changes things. I hope not. I’m not pretending anymore (or at least, trying not to). I’m still basically the same person – it just so happens that I also like movies.